August 2011
11 posts
1 tag
that was a lie
ten bucks says david and i date before the end of the year
bite marks
all over my SKIN
op
i feel hollow inside, empty, achey.
i’m not sad, really. but i’m lonely. tired. i have a lot of regrets… a lot of unanswered questions… a lot to deal with.
i don’t even know if it’s worth it, at this point.
but i’m trying.
i just need someone to turn to. but no one’s there.
bleh.
having sex with attractive almost-strangers
A+ decision
i could really use a girlfriend
but at the moment i refuse to subject someone to all of my emotional trauma
i’m getting there though that’s what counts
and not just for my sake
i’m tired of not talking about this.
i’ve been to the doctor a few times this summer, leaving the kids with my mom for a couple hours each time.
they’ve been running tests.
they think there’s something wrong with me. like… really wrong.
…
idk i thought i’d be okay just typing this for a few people but i’m not as okay as i thought.
i’m...
maybe i do want to die, a little bit.
and maybe i should want that. i went that far.
time to deconstruct and reconstruct…
and hope not to hurt anyone ever again.
I feel sick to my stomach.
I’m tired of being two people.
And tired of hurting other people.
And tired in general.
This is the part where I clean up my act.
i’m not the same person you knew.
how could i be? think about it.
it doesn’t make sense to me, either.
i’m so tired.
I am, surprisingly, okay.
Because this is best for you, isn’t it? And… that’s all I want. Even if it does hurt.
I’m no good at this sort of stuff…
i’m much better than i’ve been for a while.
but i’m still not great, i really can’t be just yet.
i want to have real conversations with a number of people who really aren’t willing.
this is very frustrating to me at the moment.
i can’t work everything out by myself.
ugh.
July 2011
21 posts
i feel weird to be… so completely detached from them now
it’s like i’ve finalized it… it’s real now
i still can’t cry about it
but… i think i’m going to be okay. what’s done is done.
and you know what?
it’s opened a lot of other doors for me.
that’s good.
it’s alright. i’m alright. that feels good.
I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live.
I know where the gun safe is, and the combination. I know how to load it. I know how to use it.
But I don’t want to be disgusting about the dying process, really, so I won’t.
I don’t know how to respond when people actually reach out to me. Usually I’m the one begging for help..
I need help now.
I can’t...
i need to hear a human voice in the next twenty minutes or i am going to die
no, really, i am going to.
don’t you care?
don’t you?
not that much, huh?
i just want to feel nothing
i can’t DEAL with this
no it isn’t just you
but god
i am going to kill myself i swear
i literally just want to die
i am going to drink until i pass out and pray that i get alcohol poisoning
1 tag
just because i have given head for weed before does not mean i will do it again
i have real money now
gosh
1 tag
why do we have to hang out
i mean i know i haven’t seen you in two years but really
really
i just want my weed
i’ve never felt so broken.
1 tag
you want a post all about you?
okay, here you go:
firstly: i’m not going to lie, i miss knowing you wanted me. i want to be friends with sexual tension again. it made me feel… good, really good, and even with that and nothing else i would have been happy on most levels because what’s a little good dirty fun? i still want it, now, but i bet you’d be uncomfortable with it...
1 tag
cutting is such an addictive thing.
huh.
1 tag
FUCK YOU
LET’S GET BACK TOGETHER
I FUCKING HATE YOU
I HOPE YOU CHOKE
AND/OR I HOPE YOU GET EVERY GOOD THING IN LIFE
GOD I LOVE YOU
MARRY ME IMPREGNATE ME
I WANT YOU DEAD
1 tag
in other news, at the moment i’m only sexually interested in women.
i want to die sometimes
STOP HATING ME
1 tag
you still fucking haunt me almost every night and do you know how disappointing it is to wake up unloved and i just want to hit you but i know it’s not your fault i just
ouch
ouch
ouch
1 tag
i miss you
oh
good mood gone
yeah, you. fuck ouch
god
i hate that
how much i still feel like i need you……
1 tag
i
need
sex
RIGHT
now
god damn
someone send me nudes and i’ll return the favor xo
you are such a little bitch
I started crying on the way home tonight because I want kids so badly and not having them, this waiting, the necessity of sorting out the rest of my life first, is really frustrating.
And sad.
Because yes, other people’s are great, but I need my own…
June 2011
21 posts
right about now sex would be nice i am just saying
GOD i miss sexting
i need sexual gratification
jesus christ do i need sex
someone talk dirty to me quick
god fucking damn
i’m really really REALLY sexually frustrated right now
but i’m pretty sure the only person i think could really solve it is 100% not interested
so i’m just going to
die
i guess
jesus christ why are you not sexually attracted to me ugh
do you want this to be permanent?
that’s what i’m afraid of.
and god, am i afraid of it.
1 tag
i don’t think i’m as in love with you as i am with the idea of us
but even still
it hurts
i’m afraid that you’re liking this too much.
and that you want things to stay this way.
but i just wanted to do something for you…
so here i am.
and i wish you knew how much it scares me.
oh
you’ve been looking
i thought i’d protect you by cutting you out…….
i’m sorry
i’m not sure even why entirely, but i am sorry.
you ought to spare yourself and ignore me
it’s like a get out of jail free card
i’m going to go lie in bed and cry.
no one fucking cares.
i need someone who wants to talk to me…….
i desperately need to talk to someone, anyone, a friend
i don’t think i’ll make it through tonight unscathed otherwise.
it’s not that i entirely doubt that there are people out there who care about me somewhat, sometimes
but it’s the this, right now,...
tell me i’m worth something to you
please
tell me
please
i want to cut myself.
i won’t.
but i have an overwhelming desire……
god
i hate having nobody to turn to
but the only person i’d really feel okay with talking about this to doesn’t want to hear it anyway probably, or at least i’d feel guilty putting this between us…
god dammit
i need someone
i need
1 tag
if i hurt myself
there’s no one to tell me not to
so why
the fuck
not
give me one good reason
1 tag
I just feel really lonely sometimes and I try to isolate myself so that my mood doesn’t touch the people I love but then that just makes me more miserable. I hate myself so much sometimes and I need someone to tell me I’m loved, wanted, not as bad as I feel, but no one will ever do that because the people around me are too honest, I guess.
I’m so sad. I need a friend. But I...
i can’t sleep because thoughts of cutting are running around in my head
and i think i won’t because i can’t because didn’t i promise?
but then i figure everyone else breaks their promises to me, so why can’t i?
no one is even around to care… god i feel so alone.
but i feel almost like i could be pretty when i haven’t eaten
i can’t be alone right now
because honestly
i can’t think straight
i don’t want to exist right now
i’m dangerous right now
and there’s no one holding me accountable
because i’m fucking invisible, aren’t i?
i could be so much better than what i let myself be
that’s why i hurt myself, most of the time.
because i’ve failed, yet again
because i haven’t been good enough
i do it for myself, my own sake
i hate my body.
i can’t eat or sleep very well right now
but i guess that’s all part of the process